By Just before picking Chrissy up for lunch this afternoon I popped into the local pharmacy to weigh myself.
That's just over another 4kg off in another week; making a total of 11.7kg in 3 weeks.
Whilst taking my sister shopping yesterday i decided to pop into the local chemist/pharmacy and weigh myself.
I've lost 7.5kg in a little over 2 weeks. I know that I'm not going to be able to keep that pace up long term, but, it's a very good start.
Can I really be depressed? Especially when I seem to find things that I can be happy about! I have people who love me, and friends who seem to care and worry about me. Why is it so hard for me to accept that those people are genuine in their feelings toward me?
One example is that I had a friend, Jo, call me yesterday evening to see how I was doing; even though she's been ill herself over the last couple of weeks. Undoubtedly, she was genuine in her concern, but all I could think was "Why is she phoning me? What is she fishing for?" Looking back this morning I feel that I've done her a great dis-service. I've also received a lot of comments and messages both on my blog and on Facebook and am sometimes left wondering "Are they genuine? Or, are they just being polite?"
I've already shut out so many people who I don't consider to be friends, but merely old school friends, workmates and acquaintances, and I've left myself with a core group of family, friends and some acquaintances; people who I may not necessarily but good friends with but would stop and natter with in the street or store.
I now kind of feel that I'm in danger of pushing away those remaining few as well.
I don't like interacting with people; they make me nervous. This even applies to some people that I've known for well over 20 years. I've always felt nervous talking to other people, especially women. What sort of conversation would I be able to carry without boring the ass of the person I'm talking to? I'm frankly rubbish at the inane chitter-chatter that people tend to need to interact with one another. You'll hardly ever see me in a pub or nightclub. I've maybe been to the pub 3 times in the last 5 years or so, and if I do, I'll rarely drink anything alcoholic.
I've always struggled to form new relationships; I don't like opening up enough to let people get to know me, and in group situations I often feel that I'm only included because I'm either there, or because it'd be less obvious than ignoring/excluding me. I'm 42 years old and I've never had the courage to ask a woman out. All my past relationships have either been via a third party, through the woman asking me out, and many times I've turned women down thinking they were just asking as some sort of dare/bet, and there's been 1 or 2 occasions where the relationship has just seemed to occur. One of the most intense relationships I ever had started that way, and when it finished about 18 months later I was totally devastated, and almost inconsolable for months afterwards. I've never let myself get hurt like that since.
Not only do I hate being the centre of attention, I even hate being in the line-of-sight. This becomes clearer when you consider that I've done a lot of tabletop roleplaying over the years, and always tend to try and blend into the scenery; even if the character I am playing is a larger-than-life 8-foot tall Troll Street Samurai with a gyro-stabilized mini-gun, panther assault cannon and huge, great, fucking Scottish Claymore strapped across her back. And, then there's my GMing style. I like to sit back and let the players drive the plot/game.
I feel like I'm heading off on a tangent, so I'll stop there before I ramble into obscurity.
I hate myself...
I mean, really, what is there to like about me? For a very long time, even before all my health problems and obesity, I've never thought of myself as attractive to the opposite sex, or perhaps even the same sex for that matter. Why would anybody find me in the least bit interesting?
I've never thought of self-harm or mutilation; I don't even like the idea of getting a piercing or tattoo, but I've often had fleeting thoughts about how easy it would be to end the pain things. Thankfully, they've always come at a time when there's been no opportunity to act upon them. I don't consider myself to be a danger to myself or suicidal, but, the thoughts have been, and sometimes continue, to be there.
Even though I tend to be methodical, and perhaps even over-think things, sometimes, not always, but sometimes, I act impulsively and without thinking things through. My big fear is that I'll get a stupid thought in my head at a most inopportune moment, and then act on it.
It hasn't happened yet...
Along with the health problems that I'm now trying to come to terms with, and fight, I think I have other problems that I've never even admitted to myself; let alone other people.
I've been lying to myself, and people around me, for a very long time now, and it's almost become second nature. It's so easy to say "I'm fine." when somebody asks "How are you?" and then just continue as if that's the truth, It's not, and hasn't been for as long as I can remember.
I really don't like myself. I'm not happy, and I think that I haven't been really happy for a very long time. I've had a few moments of happiness, and I do mean real happiness, in the last few weeks, but I feel that I've been generally descending down into a very dark place, for a very long time. And the last thing I want to do is drag somebody along with me; especially when it's somebody I truly care for.
I need help, and I don't know who I can turn to, who I can trust, who will have my best interests at heart, who will believe what I'm saying, who will help me without judging?. Some people will read this and perhaps think that I'm just looking for some attention. If that was so, I would've written and posted this before I deleted my MySpace account, deactivated my Facebook account and protected my Twitter account. I'm not seeking attention, I truly need help!
Sunday, 1 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Weetabix
Lunch: Pork Shoulder with Trimmings
Tea: 2 pieces of Gateau and Biscuits
Monday, 2 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Weetabix
Lunch: Chilli Scrambled Eggs on Toast
Tea: 2 pieces of Gateau
Snacks: 4-6 Peanut Butter Cookies
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps
Lunch: 4 Sausage Sandwiches with Cheese & Onion Spread
Tea: 2 Battered Chicken Breasts with Oven Chips
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps
Lunch: Mixed Grill with extra Jumbo Sausage and Curry Sauce
Tea: 2 Breaded Chicken Breasts with Oven Chips
Thursday, 5 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps
Lunch: Cheesey Ravioli with 4 slices of Toast
Tea: Baked Potato with Prawn Mayo and Salad
Friday, 6 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps
Lunch: Ravioli with 4 slices of Toast
Tea: 2 Breaded Chicken Breast with Oven Chips and Carrots
Snacks: Roast Turkey sandwich, Carrott Batons with Hummus
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps
Lunch: 2 Roast Turkey sandwiches with pickle and apple sauce
Tea: Chicken & Mushroom Stir Fry with Rice Noodles
Sunday, 8 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps
Lunch: 4 Sausages, Mashed Potatoes, Beans
Tea: Nothing
Monday, 9 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps
Lunch: 1 Roast Turkey Sandwich, ½ Corned Beef Sandwich
Tea: 2 Breaded Chicken Breasts and Oven Chips
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Strawberry Crunch
Lunch: 1 Chopped Pork and Cheese Spread Sandwich
Tea: Pork Tikka with Basmati Rice and Flatbreads.
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps
Lunch: Kedgiree with Salad.
Tea: ¼ Star Wrap
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Strawberry Crunch
Lunch: None
Tea: Chicken Korma
Friday, 13 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Corn Flakes
Lunch: ¼ Star Wrap
Tea: 4 Corn Crispbreads
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Breakfast: Bowl of Rice Snaps
Lunch: 2 Chicken Breaststeaks and Oven Chips
Tea: Bowl of Tom Yam Soup
Snacks: 2 Bananas. 1 Clementie, ½ bag of Carrot Batons with ½ pot of Caramelized Onion Hummus, 2 Cherries
Medically, it's been rather a stranger week than normal for me. I've started paying much closer attention to what I'm eating and as a result I am tending to eat foods containing a lot less sugar and fat than I have been doing so previously. Anyway, as a direct result of this I have had at least 2 hypoglycemic close calls this week; although, I have also managed to miss lunch, and tea, at least once each. Luckily the first close call I was at a friend's house and she managed to get me stabilised with some Pineapple Juice. Last night I was at home and just ended up falling asleep for about an hour, waking up and realising I was that low that I had to grab my emergency 500ml bottle of Lucozade out of the fridge.
I was diagnosed with Type II Diabetes in October 2007, and with Hypertension in January 2008. Both have remained steady for the most part, with the occasional dip, giving the impression that progress was been made. However, after my latest check, last Tuesday, it's obvious that progress isn't being made, and if I'm brutally honest it's gradually been getting worse over the last couple of years. Anyway, I mentioned in my previous post on the subject that the nurse had spoken about adding a couple of tablets; and the Doctor has agreed. My new regime is now as follows:
For Diabetes:
6x Metformin 500mg (3000mg)
4x Gliclazide 80mg (320mg)
1x Sitagliptin 100mg
For Hypertension:
1x Irbesartan 300mg
1x Amlodipne 5mg
To Aid Slimming:
3x Orlistat 40mg (120mg)
I am going to try and keep better track of my progress and will weigh myself on the first Monday of each month. My primary aim is to get back down to 20 stone, and will set myself un-timed 1 stone decrements. It'd be nice to get back down to the 15 stone that I was when I was running and playing football, but those days may be long gone; we'll see how well I get on though.
A friend and I went to the cinema this afternoon to watch Sherlock Holmes 2: A Game of Shadows; even though she hadn't seen the previous film. However, that didn't spoil her, or my, enjoyment of the movie. Highly recommended, lots of fun, and some decent action sequences. It also features a rather superb performance by Stephen Fry as Holmes' elder brother, Mycroft.
I wasn't going to post any resolutions this year; not that I normally do anyway.
However, I had my most recent diabetic check this morning and I'm not happy. Whilst virtually everything was okay; one thing, probably the most important, wasn't! My blood sugar levels have gone up from 7.7 to 8.0. I've asked about an appointment with the dietician, and the nurse spoke about adding another tablet to the mix and talking to the Doctor regarding getting me put back on Orlistat. The nurse also noted that my blood pressure was 130 over 90; the diastolic reading being a bit higher than she would've liked. I also got my flu vaccination for this current flu season; maybe a bit late, but better late than never.
With the scales at the surgery only going up to 150kg, I estimated that I probably weighed about 160kg, but the nurse requested that I weigh myself at the local pharmacy and let her know. I did!
That's just over 27¼ stone. Even fully clothed, and with a decently heavy jacket, that's totally unacceptable! I hereby resolve to lose weight this year. I am, therefore, setting myself a preliminary target of getting down to 25 stone (160kg) as a first step, with an aim of actually getting down to 20 stone (127kg) as soon as I can; but I'm going to take it in 1 stone steps. I'm not saying that I want to lose the weight by a certain date, but I am saying that I want to lose the weight!
I've made a small change to the way Facebook Likes were working on the site. The way I'd originally set them up was that if you liked a particular entry then it translated into you liking the entire site. I've gone back into the code and removed the bit that referred to the main URL of the site. So, now when you go into an entry and select like, it likes that page in particular, rather than the whole site.
One consequence of doing this is that the old likes appear to have been removed.
I've also taken the opportunity to fix the way the +1 button works.
Before writing my review of the year I tend to read back through my blog entries for the year to see what I've said and to act as a reminder. Doing that this year proved quite fruitless. Most of my entries were for movie trailers, with only a sporadic entry once in a while. So, Facebook has provided a much better prod to my memory.
I didn't really do much in January; although I did watch the following movies: Megamind, Despicable Me, The Last Lovecraft - Relic Of Cthulu, The Other Guys, The Hurt Locker, Rare Exports, Takers, Ultramarines, Lake Placid, Jonah Hex, Inception, Sherlock Holmes and Highlander. I did however spend a couple of hours at the beach in St Bees, and took some photos whilst there. Oh, and Peterborough United reappointed Darren Ferguson as their manager.
February saw me have a little tirade about not even getting invited to interview for a job I'd done for well over a year, have an interview somewhere else, and be offered a short term job that I eventually accepted. I also replaced the memory and boot drive in my main PC. No record of any movies watched though.
March saw me start a 16-week job with West Coast Learning. Movies I watched: Faster, Machete and Burke & Hare.
I also did the 30 Day Song Challenge in March with the following results:
day 01 - your favorite song: Melissa Etheridge - Bring Me Some Water
day 02 - your least favorite song: Sinéad O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U
day 03 - a song that makes you happy: The Foundations - Build Me Up Buttercup
day 04 - a song that makes you sad: Queen - These Are The Days of Our Lives
day 05 - a song that reminds you of someone: Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes - Time Of My Life
day 06 - a song that reminds you of somewhere: Slayer - War Ensemble
day 07 - a song that reminds you of a certain event: Iggy Pop - No Fun
day 08 - a song that you know all the words to: Queen - Don't Stop Me Now
day 09 - a song that you can dance to: Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance
day 10 - a song that makes you fall asleep: Enigma - Sadeness
day 11 - a song from your favorite band: Rammstein - Feuer Frei
day 12 - a song from a band you hate: My Chemical Romance - Teenagers
day 13 - a song that is a guilty pleasure: New Order - Confusion (Pump Panel Reconstruction Mix)
day 14 - a song that no one would expect you to love: Patsy Cline - Crazy
day 15 - a song that describes you: Biffy Clyro - JustBoy
day 16 - a song that you used to love but now hate: Everything I Do (I Do It for You)
day 17 - a song that you hear often on the radio: Ellie Goulding - Your Song
day 18 - a song that you wish you heard on the radio: Rammstein - Pu**y
day 19 - a song from your favorite album: Dommin - Tonight
day 20 - a song that you listen to when you're angry: Pantera - F*cking Hostile
day 21 - a song that you listen to when you're happy: Bruce Springsteen - Spare Parts
day 22 - a song that you listen to when you're sad: Freddie Mercury - Living on My Own
day 23 - a song that you want to play at your wedding: Queen - Flash Gordon Wedding March
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral: The Rasmus - Funeral Song
day 25 - a song that makes you laugh: Terrorvision - Tequila
day 26 - a song that you can play on an instrument: Abba - Super Trouper
day 27 - a song that you wish you could play: Iron Maiden - Powerslave
day 28 - a song that makes you feel guilty: Ladysmith Black Mambazo - Homeless
day 29 - a song from your childhood: Blondie - Heart Of Glass
day 30 - your favorite song at this time last year: Within Temptation - Utopia (feat. Chris Jones)
April saw me have connection issues and end up replacing my router, the line box, all the extensions and finally my desk phone, before it finally clearing up. Movies: Season of the Witch and Battle: Los Angeles. Game of Thrones started on Sky Atlantic HD; a truly awesome show.
We had a quite nice day early on in May, and having some free time I popped through to Ennerdale and took a few photos. Movies: Drive Angry and Limitless. I ended the month by going to Old Trafford, Manchester to watch the League 1 Play-off final; Peterborough United triumphed and were promoted to the Championship.
June saw me attend church for Chrissy's daughter's first Holy Communion. The only movie I remember seeing is Senna. June finished with me joining the unemployment line once more.
July saw me upgrade the GFX card in my PC from a 4890 to a 6970. I got around to creating a Google+ account; although I still rarely use it. I attended, and passed, an aptitude test for Sellafield; but, never ended up getting the job. I also watched some movies in July; but, have no idea what they were...
August saw my SSD die, and get replaced. It also saw me make my annual trip to meet up with Alastair. We were joined this year by another friend, Kellie, who I was quite nervous about meeting for the first time. But everything went great and we had a really enjoyable few days hanging out. August films included Hoodwinked Too, Your Highness, Bad Teacher, Super 8, Seven Samurai, Throne Of Blood, Rashomon, Mr Vampire, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Cowboys and Aliens and The Adjustment Bureau.
September saw me replace the stock heatsink and cooler on my pc's cpu with an after-market Arctic Freezer 13 Pro, and I've seen my CPU temps drop by at least 15°C. I completed my latest OU course; which I later discovered I've passed with flying colours, and reserved places on the 2 course I plan on doing in 2012. No movies apparently...
I watched Transformers: Dark of the Moon, The Green Hornet, Thor, Hobo with a Shotgun, Attack the Block, Source Code, I Am Number 4, Sucker Punch and Bad Teacher in October. Pretty much nothing else happened.
I had a job interview in November, but didn't get the job. I went to gigs from Within Temptation and Dimmu Borgir. I also discovered that Melissa Etheridge is touring in 2012 and managed to secure myself a ticket. Movies: Apollo 18 and In Time.
Start of December I went and saw Machine Head and DevilDriver; really great gig. Movies: Scott Pilgrim vs The World, The Sorcerer and the White Snake, Chicago, Beastmaster and Moulin Rouge.
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house 
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And mamma in her kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, _Dasher!_ now, _Dancer!_ now, _Prancer_ and _Vixen!_
On, _Comet!_ on, _Cupid!_ on, _Donder_ and _Blitzen!_
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of Toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes--how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
_"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."_
Generally attributed to Dr Clement Clarke Moore (July 15, 1779 - July 10, 1863), first published in the Troy Sentinel, December 23rd 1823.
