All Entries In Humour Category
By Once upon a time there was a printer who lived in the woods. He was a lonely printer, because nobody knew how to configure him. He hoped and hoped for someone to play with.
One day, the wind passed by the printer's cottage. "Whoosh," said the wind. The printer became excited. Maybe the wind would be his friend!
"Will you be my friend?" the printer asked.
"Whoosh," said the wind.
"What does that mean?" asked the printer.
"Whoosh," said the wind, and with that it was gone.
The printer was confused. He spent the rest of the day thinking and jamming paper (for that is what little printers do when they are confused).
The next day a storm came. The rain came pouring down, darkening the morning sky and destroying the printer's garden. The little printer was upset. "Why are you being so mean to me?" he asked.
"Pitter Patter, Pitter Patter," said the rain.
"Will you be my friend?" the printer asked shyly.
"Pitter Patter, Pitter Patter," said the rain, and then it left and the sun came out.
The printer was sad. He spent the rest of the day inside, sobbing and blinking lights cryptically (for that is what little printers do when they are sad).
Then one day, a little girl stumbled into the printer's clearing in the woods. The printer looked at this curious sight. He didn't know what to think.
The little girl looked up at him. "Will you be my friend?" she asked.
"Yes," said the printer.
"What is your name?" asked the little girl.
"HP 4100TN", replied the printer.
"My name is gnome-cups-manager" said the little girl.
The printer was happy. He spent the rest of the day playing games and printing documents, for that is what little printers do when they are happy.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur, a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner, that he was tired of making speeches.
"I have a great idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the SR-71 base, Kadena, Japan .
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) .
The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
"There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor.
If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.
When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.
What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up ... the pilot dies.
Never trade luck for skill.
- "Why is it doing that?"
- "Where are we?"
- "Oh Shit!"
Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) .
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut .
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot) .
Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 .
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
- Try to stay in the middle of the air.
- Do not go near the edges of it.
- The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space.
- It is much more difficult to fly there.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot).
Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test
You are Spider-Man You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky
and have great power and responsibility.
Spider-Man 80% Green Lantern 60% Robin 55% Catwoman 50% Hulk 40% Supergirl 32% Batman 30% Wonder Woman 27% Iron Man 25% The Flash 20% Superman 20%
Click here to take the Supervillain Personality Quiz
You are Mr. Freeze You are cold and you think everyone
else should be also, literally.
Mr. Freeze 54% Venom 33% The Joker 29% Dr. Doom 29% Dark Phoenix 28% Poison Ivy 27% Lex Luthor 21% Mystique 20% Riddler 18% Apocalypse 18% Green Goblin 16% Two-Face 16% Kingpin 16% Magneto 14% Catwoman 14% Juggernaut 12%
The trivia today is some tongue twisters for you:
- Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie.
- Round the rugged rock, the ragged rascal ran.
- Which witch wished which wicked wish?
- Six thick thistle sticks.
- Greek grapes.
Although I do have a Facebook account I think this video sums it all up nicely...
Freaking News is the top News Photoshop Pictures site on the web. Actual news stories fuel their Photoshop picture contests with scores of wacky doctored pictures. Members get cash for participating and winning the daily contests.
Crazy and Fun is a site about some of the crazy and fun stuff that you can find on the internet. There are many funny pictures, videos, stories and news stories. You can also find sports material and music for all.
Gadgettastic is another of the myriad of sites that aim to bring you the latest news on gadgets and technology from around the world. If your looking for the latest gadgets, gizmos, and geek stuff you will find it Gadgettastic.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade"
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
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