That is a total loss of 38.4kg (6 stones ½ pound).
]]> tag:www.bowch.co.uk,2012://1.1140 2012-05-15T22:30:00Z 2012-05-15T22:32:16Z

That is no change from last week and a total loss of 37.6kg (5 stones 13 pounds).

Cat missing in Hensingham (5 weeks now): bit.ly/JFSi6W - Everybody please RT; even if you don't live in the area, a follower might!

Ever since I was very young I've had problems managing and controlling my anger. When we first moved to Cumbria I was bullied, teased and insulted mercilessly; firstly, because of my obvious southern accent, which sounded quite posh, even at such an early age, and then because of a speech impediment and stammer; which I learned to overcome thanks to speech therapy, although, it does still rear it's ugly head when I get nervous, frustrated or upset. I was also teased because I was an easy target; being very small as a child; always usually the smallest in my class/year, then because of my plain looks, and then as I got older and my weight spiralled out of control, because of that.

One of the main ways that I learned to control my anger was by walking away from confrontations; something that ended up getting me labelled as a coward. However, there were at least 2 occasions where I didn't walk away; once in junior school when I went after another boy and it took 12 older boys to pull me off him, and another in secondary school, when I went through a reinforced glass door to go after somebody. The other main way I learned to control it was by insulating myself from the taunts and insults of others by belittling myself. After all, if I poke fun at my weight or my looks, how bad can it be if anybody else does so? That tended to work to a degree; although, I still heard and felt every single barb hurled in my direction; even the ones that were said in fun or jest.

Anyway, the best part of 35 years later, and those self-same anger demons are still there; and, because I'm now starting to take an interest in, and control of, my life and my health I've stopped insulating myself so much; although I hadn't made a concious decision to stop doing so. In most cases this hasn't been a problem, but there have been a few occasions when I've really blown up at people; and unfortunately, more often than not, it's been at Chrissy; although, I must stress that there have been other people that I've blown up at. I've still got a very tight grip on my temper and have never lashed out physically, but I've lashed out emotionally and verbally more than once; including a number of rants on my blog, Twitter and/or Facebook. I have given serious thought to dumping all 3 platforms but each time I come to the realization that if I don't have those 3 avenues to vent then I may end up venting elsewhere, to perhaps even more disasterous consequences. I'm trying desperately to get a grip on my problems and am being successful in the most part; but, it's not easy, and I do slip more than I would like.

So, please help me in any way that you can. If you are religious, please pray for me; if not, please offer me words of encouragement and advice. If you've had similar problems and have overcome them yourself, and are willing to share some tips with me, then I would be more than appreciative.

Thank you all very much.

In the last 3 or 4 months I have put myself under an enormous amount of pressure and have only just this evening realized that I have been becoming more and more stressed; and each time I reach a tipping point I end up lashing out emotionally. More often than not with disastrous results. This realization has come as a result of a conversation I had this afternoon with one of my very good friends, Jo.

At lot of my stress relief has come via Facebook where I have vented on quite a number of occasions. Thankfully, on most of those occasions somebody has responded with words and actions that have significantly helped. However, on most of those occasions I've also hurt somebody with what I've said.

During most of the last 4 months or so I have been trying to help Chrissy get back on her feet after she went through a really tough period in the 3 or 4 months leading up to the start of this year. It's not my place to discuss what she's been going through, but it's sufficient to say that she's had quite a torrid time. Most of the time during these last 4 months I've managed to successfully balance helping Chrissy with finding time to do what I need to do for myself, and also getting time to spend with my other friends. I've been roleplaying, I've been to gigs, I've watched movies and I've had evenings just sitting, relaxing and nattering.

One of the things Chrissy was concerned about was the fact that I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time with her and very little time with any of my other friends. But, the real truth is that in the past I would often spend huge amounts of time just at home, keeping myself to myself. So, in reality, I'm still spending the same amount of time with my other friends as I would normally do so. In fact, in some cases even more time. As an example, I've seen Jacqui a number of times, away from roleplaying, in the last 4 months; probably more times than I had in the last 4 years. I've also made 3 or 4 new friends over this last 4 months.

I've also been more willing to open up and talk to people than ever before. 3 or 4 years ago I could never have imagined discussing my depression/low mood, my anxieties, my hopes, dreams or fears. I've been able to open up to people in a way that I never had before, and I think a huge part of that is, in thanks, due to my closeness to Chrissy, and the fact that I've told her absolutely everything. She knows every single little secret that I've been hiding and keeping to myself; some of which are really painful and over 30 years old. There is absolutely nothing that I haven't told her. This has given me the confidence to enter counselling and be able to speak openly with my counselor.

Chrissy has also enabled me to reconnect with God, and I truly get a sense of peace and well being anytime I enter church. There have been moments in the past 2 or 3 months when I have been going past a church and I've stopped, gone in and just spent 4 or 5 minutes in quiet reflection. I've never been hugely devout or spiritual but those moments of quiet reflection bring me a sense of peace and calm, and help me face my problems.

Two other things that I've never been able to handle well are criticism and praise. As a child, I was constantly demeaned by my peers and ended up having very low self-esteem and very little belief in my own self-worth or abilities; something that I continue to struggle with to this day. I still find it very difficult to accept compliments; especially when people say to me that I'm a great person, a great friend, very helpful or knowledgeable. I continually am amazed to discover that I have friends in my life that have genuine affection and concern for me. I also find it very easy to believe any criticism leveled at me and almost take it as a personal attack; even when it's constructive or well meant. One of the things I've had to constantly keep in mind, and keep reminding myself about, over the last few months, is that when Chrissy's kids become obstreperous toward me, it's not a personal attack or affront but rather a railing against the situation that they find themselves in.

Anyway, at the start of April, I had a huge bust up with Chrissy, and she ended up rightly walking away from me, telling me that she couldn't continue to deal with the fighting and my meanness. I ended up spending the rest of that day and evening sat with Jo and working through a thought diary. It made me realize what an absolute c**t I'd been. I ended up popping over the following morning with some flowers and a very sincere apology. Since that day things have been a heck of a lot better. I've been able to manage my stress a lot better, I've still been managing to help Chrissy out as much as I can and I've still managed to keep up with my other friends.

Earlier this week we had another bust up. I misinterpreted something that she said and took huge offence at it. Unfortunately, I compounded matters by trying to discuss it in front of the kids and she told me not to. This led to me being upset with her for the rest of the day and becoming more defensive, so that by the time we did finally sit down to discuss it I thought I was been calm and giving her an opportunity to say her piece before I spoke, but, apparently I continually interrupted her and tried to talk over her. She eventually got up, stalked away, saying that she wasn't doing it again.

Anyway, I've not had an opportunity to do anything other than briefly exchange messages with her on Facebook since. However, I will be popping over in the morning to have a chat with her; and I pray that, more than anything, I can remain calm and objective and not get upset by the conversation.

I have now lost a total of 37.6kg (5 stones 13 pounds).